


but right outside, the door nobody knows

by giovanchis



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: also, fruits basket spoiler ig, ment parent death, yall forget that tohru isnt always mentally stable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giovanchis/pseuds/giovanchis
Summary: Tohru wondered what it's like to be your own person, instead of an extension of someone else. She wants to be seen.A fic about Tohru and the shadows that follow her.
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Kyou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	but right outside, the door nobody knows

Tohru Honda doesn’t know where she'd be without her parents. She spends her lifetime hearing their names over and over again. “She sounds just like him.” “That’s Kyoko's daughter alright.” “Wow, Katsuya really shone through her.” “Ah, she isn’t like Kyoko at all.” A shadow, that’s all Tohru was throughout her life. Her parents left impactful impressions on people, and their impressions helped project their expectations of Kyoko and Katsuya onto Tohru. So, she shone her sweet smile as she tried her best to live up to their expectations. 

From the age of three, she knew that her mother's happiness was dependent on her father. Her father's kind smile, his warm hands, and his patient attitude all disappeared quickly from Tohru and her mother's life. She remembers her mother's depression, but she didn't understand it. When she asked about why her mother was crying, why she had left, and when she would come back, her grandpa just said Kyoko was sad over the loss of her husband. He didn’t say anything about when she was coming back. 

The loss of her husband. The last time Tohru saw her mom laugh was with her dad, the last time she cooked dinner (albeit bad) was for her dad, the last time she held Tohru was before her dad died. Her dad's death was the root of all this, he was the one who made her mom feel this way. The one who took her precious mom away from her. Something churned inside Tohru's body. She loved her mom more than anything in the world, and she would do anything to get her old happy mom back. 

“Hi, welcome home,” Tohru said, half asleep when her mother finally returned. Kyoko burst into tears, apologizing, saying she would never do that again. That night, Kyoko laughed, she cooked dinner for Tohru, and she held her until Tohru went to sleep in her arms. So Tohru's attempt to mimic her father's speech worked. Even though Kyoko’s laugh was a little weaker, her food a little more undercooked, her hugs laced with desperation, her mother was still happy, she was still laughing. Tohru knew that at least she’d have her late husband’s words with her. The thought made Tohru happy as she drifted to sleep. 

Whenever she visited her father's side, they commented on her speech. How polite, how warm, how inviting, how much it sounded like her father’s. They laughed and made jokes about how Tohru was also a little bit of an airhead like him. She was Katsuya’s kid first to them, Tohru second. Uo was better, but Tohru wasn’t stupid. She knew why Uo sought her out, she knew it was only because of her mother. Tohru remembers the disappointed eyes when Uo found out she was nothing like her mother. Of course, she got better over time and started to like Tohru because she was Tohru. Sometimes Tohru laid awake at night, wondering if Uo would’ve even looked at her if she weren’t related to her mother. The reason they became friends was because to Uo, she was Kyoko’s daughter first, and Tohru Honda second. Still, she put the mask of her father’s words, her sweet smile, and went on with her day. 

Sometimes, an ugly feeling crawled up Tohru’s body, phrases licking at her mind. “You could just stop, stop, stop, stop. Make a mess. You are not you. You are not authentic. What happens when they find out?” Tohru buried these thoughts deep within her, locking the door that could never be opened. 

When Kyoko died, Tohru felt a huge gap in her heart and her soul. She spent so long trying to make her mother stop worrying about things, to make her feel comfortable, to fill the shoes Tohru's father had left, all for this. All for nothing at all. Her mother’s parables rang in her mind, and the phrase “life isn’t fair” echoed throughout her mind. Tohru remembers the whispers around school the week after she came back, “Oh wow her moms dead? Poor thing.” To her classmates and teachers, she was an orphan first, Tohru Honda second. Still, through her paled skin and deep eye bags that she didn’t have the month before, she smiled, said she was doing fine with her father’s sweet words, and moved on with her day.

She never got to be Tohru Honda. Tohru wondered what her life would be like if her father hadn’t gotten ill. She laid awake at night in her tent replaying scenes in her head of things she could’ve done to prevent this. Persuading her father to stay home for an extra day. Waking up to say good morning and be safe to her mother. Tohru wondered what it's like to be your own person, instead of an extension of someone else. She wants to be seen.  
Then, she moves in with the Sohmas. They have no tie to her mother, they like her for her. The shadows that followed her weren’t prominent when she was helping Yuki with his garden along with Hatsuharu. They weren’t there when she made Shigure, Ayame, and Hatori an afternoon snack. Kisa, Ritsu, Kagura, and Hiro were oblivious. Sometimes, Momiji notices something, he looks at her in an almost perceptive way, but he smiles and breaks their stare. Rin is closer, she knows of the box, but she knows she’s not the one who’s supposed to unlock it, so she leaves it alone

Kyo Sohma is the first person to truly see her. He looks beyond her first layer of peppiness and smiles and sees something inside her that she deemed wicked a long time ago. Kyo can tell when she's upset even though she’s been practicing her sweet smile that’s been hiding her true feelings for years. He looks at her and knows what she's thinking with ease. a lot of people think they can do that with her, but for them, it's just surface level. When he sees that, Kyo pushes her to tell him what’s wrong. After a talk about the lasting effects the curse has on him years after it's broken, she lays her mind bare for him, telling him of the wicked thoughts that momentarily grasp her mind. It feels cold and weird. When Rin asked about her locked door, Tohru gave a surface level answer and prayed she wouldn’t ask for anything deeper and thank God she didn’t. She doesn’t know how people would react to this, especially coming from someone like her. For a minute, she expects him to wince, to tell her she’s weird, to leave her after she’s spent so long working at a good life for him. He stays. He stays and reassures her. He holds her and kisses her forehead, and tells her that he’s glad she shared this with him. Tohru says she doesn’t want to speak about it anymore, and Kyo doesn’t push her to. When Kyo looks at her, he sees Tohru Honda first, all the other things second.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is my first fruits basket fic even tho i've loved it for almost a decade uhhhhh. i wrote the first draft of this at one am after seeing a tohru cosplay on tik tok and the creator was like "we don't talk about tohru is seen as a shadow of the people she has lost." and i was like ok....ight
> 
> title from door by mitski (i rly only chose it cause tohru's depression is often said to be behind a shut door)


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